RAGING REVIEW- Rio:Rainbow Gate

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT IS THIS SHIT

I suppose what appalled me the most about this 4-hour long charade of subtle porn, debauchery and a mind-numbing lack of any semblance of plot or logic whatsoever was that ,contrary to what most people say, it seems that it was meant to be taken seriously, and literally, at every corner. Rio has actually fought in space, got affected by wind tilted due to the audience’s perversion, fired beam pistols and fought in a hyperreal world surrounded by flowers and shit. What is this nonsense..?

Let me do a quick synopsis and summary of the entire show: Rio is a dealer at Howard Resort, functioning as its mascot as well. She has a unique ability to give everyone around her immense luck, and she fights several gate battles, with only 13 Gate Cards in existence, with the person who collects them all being the Most Valuable Casino Dealer. Sounds interesting, but in reality it is nothing more than a steaming pile of merde. By ‘most valuable casino dealer’, you must remember that all the damn Gate battles made no sense or relevance to gambling at all – fighting in space? Really? At least they tried to pass it off as some kind of fancy gambling game, but fuck was it stupid. 

You know me, I’ve written a number of posts on the show before, but as the ultimate example of what a bad show this was, I offer a quick review of the final episode. (Based on what I remember, anyway.)

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So it’s finally the final showdown between Rio and her lesbo bitch friend turned enemy. She’s almost going to lose, and then she has a come from behind victory, with everyone commenting that her roll ruler was overwhelming. What the fuck is a roll ruler anyway? How does it even exist? How in fuck do you even change the order of cards to your favour? FUCK! This is almost as fucking retarded as the whole idea of ‘pink wind’ introduced in the stripping/shooting match between the two lesbians a few episodes back. THIS SHOW HAS MADE ME DIE A LITTLE INSIDE.

Ok , so cut to the chase, she wins and it turns out that the (i quote) ‘Gate cards contain lost technology of ancient civilizations , awaiting their new owner. ‘ The owner gains for a moment, the ability to grant all wishes. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Such immense power and all people the random magician (literally) knows about it? Of all people? And the bastards were giving these cards around? And if any wishes could be granted couldn’t the relevant people really fuck up the globe? What if I suddenly wished that someone was dead? What were the antagonists doing? Couldn’t she wish him back by her side? FUCK THIS IS DO DAMN STUPID I THINK MY EYES MIGHT START MELTING. Nevertheless, I must watch on.

FUCK WHAT IN HELL DID SHE JUST STOP THE WAR IN LIBYA? WHAT WAS THAT? THIS IS SO FUCKING CHEESY MY FACE IS STARTING TO DECOMPOSE FROM ALL THE STILTON STUFFED UP MY EYE SOCKETS. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FF-

OH WAIT I JUST REALIZED THAT THEY HAD AN ENTIRE FUCKING ARMY OF RIFLE WIELDING FOLKS? AND THEY DON’T USE IT FROM THE START THOSE FUCKTARDS THEY – oh look! The fucking samurai is a policeman! For a casino company! The casino guild has a police force! Whoopie-fucking-do. Well, at least the show is over. …

OH FUCK IS THAT HER DAD WITH A RAPE FACE? AND A RANDOM LOLI? FUCK NO MORE SEASONS PLEASE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHY DON’T I GET ANY GOOD LUCK?

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Of course, the above was a tad exaggerated. But you understand, don’t you? 

Final Score: 3/10 – A mediocre ending to a horrible show. Watch it, and prepare to either fulfill your sinful desire for breasts, or prepare to rage hard. The plot is shoddy, and hastily made up, the characterization and plotlines are oh-too-predictable, and any of the ‘exciting’ scenes are too boring to be considered ‘exciting’. For a show which prides itself on shining faces and breasts, you can’t expect much more than that.

Factsheet

• Source : TECMO Pachinko Machines, D.O.A games
• Producer: XEBEC
• Genres: Comedy, Ecchi, Game, Bullshit
• Episodes: 13 (Aired Jan 4- Mar 29 2011)
• Main Character: Rio Rollins (dealer with ability to give others luck)
• Best 3 characters:  Rio’s right breast, Rio’s left breast and Rio’s ass. For they actually had characterization of some sort , and were animated in great detail.(Hurr.)
• Worst 3 Characters: Misery (for being a fucking stupid antagonist) , Hard Bull (for being full of bullshit) and the sword wielding faggot stupid antagonist who lost in a game of guess-which-hand-my-coin-is-in.
• Target audience: Players of the games, young teens, teenagers
• Recommended audience: The brain-dead, and the undead.