Being one of the things I gain my dwindling amounts of self-induced pride from, losing sucks. I don’t like losing. It keeps being stuck to my mind for the next few days. This overall air of despair and depression, all from a outlet for joy and entertainment – how ironic is that?
Then I realised that it’s natural to lose in a game.
So why am I feeling down and in the dumps?
It seems to be a combination of both – forming a simple and wise adage that somehow sounds like an insult to me –
Or literally translated, there will always be a higher mountain than you.
Simply an adage to mean ‘don’t be so cocky and prideful’ , but that sounds like an insult.
It’s like teaching us to simply give up and accept it. I just can’t do that. I can’t stand the fact that whatever I think I’m good at, there is someone who is better at that than me – this misguided , foolish longing for a talent I can rightfully call my own. I thought about my supposed talents, and for each one my peers are better at them than me. And then I thought about their talents. I don’t seem to have any advantage at all. I’m okay with it now.
‘sides, the adage sucks. Mountains don’t grow. Ever. It’s like telling you to simply give up.
I think everyone is perfect, everyone is brilliant, yet I can’t seem to find my own qualities. I can think up lists of good points about other people – when I can’t even come up with three points for myself.
This desire for victory stems from my failure to recognise victories and only see failures. I don’t ever see myself from a positive light, simply because I understand myself – and this is yet again why I can see everyone as ‘perfect’ – because I don’t understand them fully. This depression isn’t a burden – it’s a gift. A gift from God to remind me to not sweat the small stuff – to accept life as it comes and goes.
I need to learn to not sweat the small stuff. I already talked about this before. Paranoia caused by not being able to relax – it is killing me. I think I think too much like my father – and his father – that life is a race. That we must finish everything fast, that we must finish on top.
…but no. I need to stop and smell the roses. Calm down. Relax.
So that’s that. Counselling myself with WordPress.
I love you WordPress. Is there anything you can’t do?
And this blog post was never edited.