God knows how busy I’ve been in the past week.
God knows how long it’s been since I’ve reached home after school before 8pm – tuck in to a home-cooked dinner and get bathed before 7. I’ve been eating nothing but Japanese Bentos for the past few days, since it’s so filling and I’ve been preoccupied with NPCC matters. Not that any of that will change of course.
I need to change my mindset, seriously.
NPCC will soon be taken over by our squad.
I noticed that my attitude has sucked for the past 3 years. Simply nothing but passing through motion. Attend, get screwed, go home, take a bath, forget about everything that happened. This is probably the most stressful month yet. Next week, I still have exams on Chinese Language and Russia’s history – all the while coupled up with the job I’m taking up next Friday and NPCC Unit Camp, the culmination of all our efforts thus far into a three-day event.
But what worries me the most is PIR.
Since I signed up, I have to think of what I can – and want – to be for my Secondary 4 Life in NPCC. Trading short khaki bermudas for long pants – not as simple as it looks, it’s a matter of reputation. There is a distinct difference in how people perceive those in our short khaki Bermudas and those seniors who wear the different sets of uniform.
I sat down and considered my options. Operations Department? Given, I’m already in it, and of course I’ll sign up for it again.
I was going to be content with this, until my officer nudged me to take on officership. Which was the most hardest decision to make.
Which role? Which squad?
Secondary 2? Secondary 3? Everyone wants those. And those who want them are better than me – there is no point in fighting for personal interest. It’s a process of education, the best educators should be used to teach, not lacklustre people like me.
Secondary 4 ? And get laughed , mocked, disrespected by my own peers – like how they do now? Not likely.
That means I’m stuck with Secondary 1 – which was nice, since it was what I wanted to be in Secondary 1.
Problem is, if I want to become an officer, I need to be proficient. In hard skills, in teaching, in etiquette, in training, in fitness and the list goes on. Secondary 1 Squads are the basic foundation upon which cadets enhance their skills upon- be bad in Secondary 1 , be bad until Secondary 4. I know that – I still haven’t learnt how to even tie my damned boots properly.
Hard skills, I believe I can learn. Teaching and etiquette, I believe I can learn.
That’s the problem.
It’s all based on belief. Which of it is belief, and which of it is fact?
What is real?
Do I really have what it takes?
Do I really want this role?
Do I have the ability to cope with this extra commitment at all?
You know what?
I believe I do. I believe I can learn all of this in 3 weeks, and yet something inside me gnaws at my insides, whispering to me, “You will not succeed, you will not succeed, you will doom yourself and the others.” I believe I can do this, yet something lingers in the back of my mind and leaves me with a sense of fear- fear of commitment? Fear of responsibility? Fear of lack of knowledge?
I need to decide by Friday. Tick tock,tick tock, time is running out.