Post No. 50 – Despair and Desperation do not only stem from missing one’s house keys

This marks my 50th blog post over in WordPress, so I figured I should post about something significant.So today’s NPCC day, but that isn’t important. The true significant thing is that today, it is our final training before PIR.

I’m sure someone who reads this must think : Valen, you’re not much different from us , aren’t you ? You act the same, you think the same, you perform and behave the same.

I know. I admit I’m not the most enthusiastic of cadets, but I felt an urge to post this.

Today, upon reaching home, I couldn’t find my house keys. Turns out I locked them inside the house. So I sat at the void deck, waiting for my parents to return home. Nothing special, yes.

What’s significant, however, is the feeling. The feeling of having something come to naught – despair. Despair that with one small action, you screwed it up.

Today was the last NPCC training before PIR.  Once again, I’m no authority on standards, but today wasn’t that good, nor that bad. Our standards – they never improve, do they? It’s not like we don’t put in effort, but it’s always because something goes wrong, for whatever rhyme or reason it may be. Perhaps someone was half-awake, and did the command wrong. Perhaps I , or some other cadet screwed up in some way that caused the whole squad to have to redo one drill.

Upon realising an important fact, I was wrought with despair.

It’s our third year in HCINPCC. The third year, or to be exact-ish, 858 days. Even after 858 days, I still can’t tie my boots properly, not can I exemplify what is expected of the most senior training squad.

Perhaps I’m being paranoid. But I’m not blaming anyone, for anything – I’m just doing some self-reflection.

Many things I have managed to fuck up in 858 days – my academics seem to be slipping, my hamstring condition worsening, and once again I’m falling back into the clutches of a particular type of unhealthy addiction.

The Secondary Twos – they are already catching , if not faster than our own syllabus. That is just sad.

Sad that I can’t do anything, nor can anyone do anything. Sure, standards improve – for a moment. It’s never sufficient, is it?

How is the feeling, the feeling that you have been nothing but a burden – to your peers, your teachers, your seniors, your officers, your squad, your school, your family and to everyone else?

How is the feeling, that whatever anyone tries to do comes to naught?

Perhaps my paranoia is taking over again, but everything I do now seems to suffer from this: not enough synergy.

In class, scolded for not doing duty, ant infestation, blah blah blah. Whose fault is this? Ours of course, I’m no longer blaming it on anyone else. It is indeed, purely our own faults.

In Current Affairs, we have what? People playing on phone games, the NCC doing god-kn0ws-what at the back of the class, people playing games on their laptops and not paying attention. Someone even SLEPT.

No matter how much I shouted ( which was louder than usual  – NPCC uniform does that to you. ) , no-one gave a flying damn.

Not the people playing phone games, who chastised me for ‘making even more noise.’

Not the sleeping classmates at the back, who simply never woke up.

Who actually paid attention? Jay and Jopescu – to an extent, and anyone else who woke up from their deeds to watch Nicholas being bullied and rough-housed and his points brought down to the ground.

HOWEVER, when the CGM was held , everyone participated.

Not that I have any qualms against that, of course, but why couldn’t you have done the same for the CA?

All this talk of “let’s pay more attention”, “let’s work harder”, and all that common “encouragement.”

Once again, I am not authority on normality. I , too , am guilty of all of this ; I am guilty of not paying attention in class, I am guilty of disrupting class, thus I can not say – or do anything significant.

But it really got me wondering – why couldn’t anyone pay a hoot of attention to me, when I was the CA chairman, desperately shouting for the class to pay some attention – compared to Zhong Xuan, who did not need to scream and shout to get his way.

Was it my phrasing? No, I simply asked them to pay attention. After all, that’s my role (somewhat.)

Was it my reputation? I’m sure some people despise me, or perhaps my paranoia’s gnawing on my peace of mind. However, does that grant the class permission to ignore me? Sure, ignore me – but why ignore the panelists?

Was it my topic? I was just facilitating the Current Affairs session.

That’s when it dawned on me. The CA session only helps a group of people. The CGM affects everyone.

So have we devolved to a group of people who only care about our own self-interests?

Have our ‘narcissistic’ description really suit us? Have we really become narcissistic teenagers , preoccupied with our own self-interests?

I guess it has. We love attention, we are sociable – too sociable and we like to look good.

Not that nothing is wrong with that. It’s the amount that matters.

I am guilty as well  –  I love having blog views. I despair when my daily view count dips below 20,I despair when no-one views a new post.

That’s when something else dawned on me – EVERYONE is like that.

Everyone is too preoccupied with self-interest.

Why can’t someone volunteer in NPCC? Why can’t everyone just shout together?

It’s because we’re afraid- afraid of screwing up, afraid of getting it wrong, always hoping the usual few will do the task for us.

But that doesn’t work, does it? Some people benefit. EVERYONE ELSE DOES NOT.

And it’s too late to do anything now. Once again, I reaffirm my stand that I am no judge on this matter.

I just realised that I have fallen into this trend as well.

Once again, I reaffirm my stand that I am no judge on this matter.

WHO CARES? Only I care, since it’s my image. And that’s exactly the point I’m trying to make.

We, this wretched new generation of thinkers who think only after their own reflections and interests, have brought ourselves down the path of ruin. We, this damned army of selfish sinners, have wrought ourselves our own ends. We, the new and bright generation of teenagers -of this modern day and age- will seem to never be able to give a damn , and that in itself, is ironic, isn’t it?

And so, we continue hoping for a better future

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About Valence

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9 Responses to Post No. 50 – Despair and Desperation do not only stem from missing one’s house keys

  1. anagramdenial says:

    There are some hypocrites better than others. because they alleviate it with something else. some not so much so by doing certain things. don’t go into people-bashing; it’s not like everyone paid attention to zhongxuan either. Frankly, I don’t give a dam about CA as much as i do for pineapples and mudkips, and the rest of the class as well. It’s not people denying you respect or whatever, it’s just a stance towards “CA” as a subject.

    You should realise at some points of time your reaction doesn’t correspond very well to some situations. Like in chinese. Don’t understand things. understand people.

  2. WeeTY says:

    Some things can’t be taught – these things are often indirect and difficult to measure, compare or control. These are the things which you may have difficulty in. Talking =/= communicating, shouting =/= inspiring compliance. What matters? The tandem of the heart and the brain, the soul.

    Don’t worry too much.

  3. Valence says:

    >Daniel : I’m not people-bashing, I’m sorry for my tone, and of course I know my reactions don’t correspond well, I’m not denying this. I’m sparztic, I’m immature, I lack situational EQ. Fine, I know that, it’s one of my many , many flaws.

    ..but CA is a subject, after all. It’s not like I don’t know how boring CA is, but it was truly sad to have to see only Jopescu tanking all the questions and whatnot. Perhaps you wouldn’t understand, or maybe that’s being too subjective, but I wondered how Mingjie felt when he was pretty much the only one to have to prepare a speech.

    Perhaps you’re right, there’s no point in trying to understand things, I must first understand people. But to find out what they’re thinking, I would have to of course, analyse the things they do – otherwise how can you tell what they are thinking? If i didn’t do that stupid, and frankly retarded outburst in Chinese class no-one would think that I would do that, and no-one would know what I was thinking.

    So in summary, I know I am at fault as well, but actions carried out are simply an indication of everyone’s personal opinions and thoughts. if someone doesn’t care, their actions indicate this fact.

    …I’m sorry for the tone and all, I tend to get like that when blogging.

  4. Valence says:

    >Ting Yit : I guess so, I’m too used to thinking that shouting and making noise gets people to give a damn.

    ..but I do wonder, how do I get their attention when they simply don’t want to listen?

  5. ScorchNRoses says:

    >Valence: It’s your blog. You have the freedom to post whatever you want, ’cause it’s the internet.

    Besides, if people thinks that CA is not worth paying their attention to, I don’t see anyone telling Mario that CA is useless and unproductive during assembly.

  6. Valence says:

    >ScorchNRoses : Of course, I know it’s my blog. But being a member of this new generation of narcissistic youths, I worry about how my image will be seen. I worry about offending people, I worry about being despised, I worry about being seen as a jerk. But I guess you’re right, I have the freedom to post whatever I want, fight the power.

    CA might have been boring since it was hastily prepared at the last minute and no-one knew what they were doing. I was the chairman and I didn’t even know that. Perhaps CA might have been more interesting if I have done some preparation, or if I carried out the process accurately, I wonder.

    No-one will tell Mario that, since Mario doesn’t ask. And even if he asks, nothing will be changed anyway. CA serves to inculcate us with a sense of “global perspective”, to be enhanced with knowledge of news within Singapore and around the world. In a sense it sticks to the school values, so it seems unlikely to be removed any time soon……

  7. Nopy says:

    I’m sure everyone has had some of these thoughts before. As for myself, I just try to not think about how others perceive me and do what I want. If people ignore me, that’s fine, it’s their time and they don’t have to spend it on me.

  8. Pingback: Happy Birthday Kagami~! Celebrating blog post number 100. With a party! « Ambivalence , or is it ambiguity?

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