Flight of lunacy – it’s too late to regret.

I am a bastard.

No, not because I told on my classmates, nor was it because I was such a jerk in class just now.

Instead, I am a bastard because I am completely narrow-minded.

I kept blaming all the problems on the CMC, when instead it is my fault.

My fault that I had the ability to witness and look at all of this, and do absolutely nothing.

A classmate reprimanded me for my ‘lack of situational EQ’. I admit, it was my fault that I told on them, but it was necessary. The truth will come out. What is the point if we say he ‘fell down’, and what if he was truly injured? Seriously injured? Every second counts.

And also, telling the truth doesn’t screw the class. Lying about the truth does.

But anyway, it is still my fault that the incident happened.

Here at HCI, Mario emphasises on our ‘servant leadership’. It’s a matter of attitude, not role. ANYONE can be a leader. I should have just stopped it, or done something on my own. Why rely on the CMC when you have enough time to help out?

I am so foolish.

All this while, I had the single view that it wasn’t my fault, but I guess I am truly, a bastard.

A bastard for not doing anything and just watching the events unfold, and a bastard for telling the truth, a bastard for being a fucking jerk and a bastard for being so god-damned stubborn.

I won’t be surprised if the same thing happens to me and no-one cares. What have I done to deserve their sympathy?

I am slowly being insane – my paranoia is consuming me. Right now, I imagine someone spewing vulgarities about me behind my back, secretly setting me up for disaster. I can’t take it easy. I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I can’t calm down. Why am I so confused?

Is it because I admire all my classmates? Or is it because I despise myself – this abomination of pretentious advocate of sagacity , this human mess of underage lust and one-sided greed?

I know it’s too late to apologise, but if any of you read this, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for thinking I was right. What is truly right? Personal opinion or instinct, or is it general consensus? I felt that the right thing to do was to admit the truth, but it seems that I was wrong.

I’m sorry for telling the truth like a bastard.

I’m sorry for complaining while doing nothing.

It’s a flight of lunacy – once I have taken flight, I cannot turn back – I must keep flying , no matter what happens. I cannot land, not at any costs. Even when the engines go bust, the turbines break, the fuel tank runs empty and the plane turns into a burning carcass of twisted steel and me- a contorted corpse, hands in prayer, I will continue. Continue with what? Continue with being this bastard who can’t see straight, or continue thinking that everyone else is similar- for they can’t see your own viewpoint, yet they scold you for not seeing things from their viewpoint? Am I really in the wrong for doing what I believed was right?

Nevertheless, I am sorry for what I did. I did it without thinking, upon instinct.

Not that you would care anyway, but if you did, please.

About Valence

I blog things.
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4 Responses to Flight of lunacy – it’s too late to regret.

  1. wildflowers' movement says:

    hey…don’t be too hard on yourself!!! i like your honesty but try to forgive yourself…and look beyond the past…it’s the past…look at now!

    are you still depressed?


  2. Valence says:

    Thanks. I seem to dwell on stuff easily, gotta learn not to sweat the small stuff.

    I’m feeling better now, thank you. Music is the cure.

  3. wildflowers' movement says:

    yes… music and love 🙂

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