Despite trying, the problem keeps getting worse.
Today, I ate lunch alone. You know how weird a feeling that is? Not just being alone, but trying to be out of sight. Making sure no-one sees you, and you see no-one else, so you can be left to wander in your own boundless security blanket? I don’t understand how this irrational fear -phobia – came about, nor why it only happens sometimes and not all the time- the intense fear of being surrounded by strangers- faceless amorphous puppets, intentions and thoughts hidden from view – is this a result of my own secret egoism? A fear of strangers around me – thinking about me , talking bad about me – when I have no proof to substantiate this? A slight trip and I’ll veer off the balance beam between a logical and sane state of mind to a whole new mental pandemonium – this fear is haunting me every day. Perhaps it is because of this very fear, I attempt to make more friends , or even treat close friends like strangers when there is the usual, haunting awkward silence – the eerie silence which seems to crawl under my skin and travel along my veins to the heart- HEART! – and leaves me in disarray. This fear branches out to so many more forms of self-induced mental torture – usual questions of how much platonic love is acceptable and not over the line , am I being too clingy, do they think I’m a monster/ freak/ stalker / insert other term with negative connotations here, etc. It’s driving me nuts. Perhaps it is all karma- karma for my misbehavior when I was young and ignorant of how my comments would hurt others’ pride – and yet seem to fuel my own, in the end fuelling this giant bonfire which slowly consumes my very essence. Perhaps it is karma for me taunting my peers all the time, in a futile attempt to seek pride or what else? What else could it be? Even pictures couldn’t describe this irrational mental habit, but if I could sum it all up in one word- I’m paranoid.
Yes, paranoid. I’m paranoid as a result of my pride, the pride that lurked in the darkest corners of my mind for so long- so very long- without me noticing its existence. My being paranoid had spawned all my other mental problems – fear of public spaces, fear of strangers, fear of losing friends, fear of what others think of me – FEAR OF MY OWN THOUGHTS AND PREFERENCES – ,fear of doing badly in the future, fear of never finding family, fear of becoming hopeless as an adult – universally hated by all and so on. This even led to that OCD of the uncertain – I’m paranoid because I can’t even trust myself! I’m paranoid that I screwed up my math test due to karma, I’m paranoid that everything is God’s doing, I’m paranoid that no-one likes me, even as a friend , I’m paranoid that I spend too much time with my friends- I even spend 20 minutes checking a 2 sentence email message, for the self-esteem – or lack thereof- in my actions, a fear of what the opposite party would react , a fear of the consequences, if any. Paranoia – was it always there, ever so omniscient in my mind? Or was it a result of a slight bout of paranoia leading to pathological lying- perhaps even this line of reasoning is an act of Paranoia itself!
So was it right to connect everything to paranoia ? Could paranoia be the root of the problem – or is it so that paranoia , in its own unique effects on the human mind- made me believe that all of this were linked to paranoia – while they’re not?
I don’t know anymore, but it feels comforting to know that everything was caused by this intense paranoia – and I’m not universally hated or thought badly of.
Whatever it is, paranoia is definitely a major problem in my mind. Perhaps I should apply the ‘pop-up technique’ to filter these horrid thoughts out of my system, but then again, paranoia seems to be a peculiar character trait of mine.
Tigers and leopards lurk in our minds.
Speaking of which, talking about paranoia reminds me of:
Maybe I am hopeless, after all.